Signet Ring

I would say I could pinpoint the day that freedom died in this country was when you were no longer allowed to eat a hot steak and gravy pie whilst driving a transit.

I dont even know if that's true.

I wrote to Kenneth Mcaskill on another matter as I felt I ought to. Fair enough I got a prompt reply, although it could have been a stock answer from a flunkess, reminding me of something or other that I can read about any day of the week in the Courier. It was a figurative short wagging finger of a letter complete with a gold signet ring, but what's it doing on that finger?

I must be getting on a bit, my lassie was scribbling at something the other year and I says, what you up to?

She says, writing a list of presents i want for my birthday,

But surely sweetheart, it's only one thing for birthdays,

Oh dad, (patronisingly) that was in the olden days.

My oldest son's just back from his first foreign holiday with his pals in Crete still boasting about getting mugged.

Weather? as hot as Scotland.

I'm thinking about picking some meadowsweet next week.

thereforemoroeovernotwithstanding

Over a hundred punters turned out for the Cairn O Mohr World Bottle Smashing Tournament on Sunday preceded by the curry night slash bunch of animals party night, the night before which was processed to a raucous bulldozer of sound as delivered by Joon Broon and her 'Readers Wives.' Once I finally got around to my turn in the curry q earlier I had to fish around in the flooded pools of sauce for the one last lump of meat that there was, because all the greedy early bag storers had created mini munroes of miscellaneous savoury chunks on their plate with a slotted spoon. Even then how could i enjoy what there wasn't, when i blundered into an unscripted interview with my neighbour, who I had invited, right enough, and who has a cafe just along the road from us, and thereforemoreovernotwithstanding, my latest business plan (howsoever ( a cafe) is an unwelcome development that will trail the eviction of them out onto the Errol station road with their new born babe. Sorry neebur but I didn't think it through. We didn't have time. But it'll probably be alright ,maybe.
Over a hunner punters turned up for the Bottle Smash on a glorious day of hot sunshine which inadvertently, for him, had the effect of softening both rock and bottles such that many of the bottles that were on target stotted off the rock unharmed. It was an enjoyable competition but i flinched at every unconsummated strike with captain disaster standing at my back right hand corner with his smart white hat and sneer. Someone on his first go failed to convert and blurted out 'This is a rubbish game anyway.'
And i the inventor wondered, is it? People say that of golf all the time and then look around them at everyone else and realise that it cant be.
In the end the star from last year got beat by a big speccy kid.
Ah sweet.
New t shirts and caps out. I'll get them on the website soon. Message on the t shirt is michty

Actually Again

Michael Marra went down a storm last Saturday night at his sell out concert at Fort Bob, which was sold out , the Cairn O Mohr venue. People were laughing like mad and sometimes crying a bit. You can hire Fort Bob by the how; you can get sixty folk in.

Here's a picture.

Officially there's only toilets for 20 so if you could go before you come I would appreciate that or bring someo thae doggy bag things oot wi ye. Now where was I before that impertinent interruption. Actually, again, It's Saturday evening and I'm going up to the Smiddy for a pint, there's a surprise pairty up on the Fort Bob, at least I didnae ken anyhing abootit, and the bands playing Crazy Horses, remember when the Osmonds had a go at kicking ass, watch out for these cars boys yil mibbe git runower. So, that's right I had a couple o pints and returned to help oot abit at this party. The band or duo but sounded like a band, were very good actually,again; ' Nanobot,' Go and see them if you hear of them and marvel at their wacky space suits with flashing specs. We've got some of that mutiny wine out, the wine I made for that programme 'The Woman Who Ate Scotland' It's called Mutiny, I've probably told you already. There's only a puckly so we're just selling it in the shop here. Also the bottle Smashing event is imminentish Sunday 31st May preceded by A curry night and band ' Joon Broon and Readers Wives'on the Saturday night. Tickets for the party night are £15 and must be got in advance but you can just turn up and register for the Bottle Smashing. Here's the fliers

There's cruelty in wit

MICHAEL MARRA IS PLAYING AT THE WINERY ON SATURDAY THE 2ND OF MAY.

THERE IS STIILL A FEW TICKETS LEFT FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO COME ALONG. £12 FROM THE WINERY SHOP OR OVER THE PHONE 01821642781

THERE'S CRUELTY IN WIT, IS THERE WIT WITHOOT? THERE'S ALWAYS A VICTIM AND DOES THE VICTIM EARN IT OR IS HE JUST THE HAPLESS TARGET OF A PASSING BULLY.
I ONCE EMAILED THE COMEDIAN BILL BAILEY WHO WAS COMING UP TO DUNDEE TO PERFORM AT THE CAIRD HALL AND I ASKED HIM IF HE COULD MAYBE POP IN AND OPEN MY NEW WINERY ON THE PASSING SO TO SPEAK. MY MESSAGE WAS IN A RESPECTFULL AND REVERENTIAL TONE BUT I DARED A BIT OF LEVERAGE SUGGESTING THAT GERRY SADOWIZCH WHO WAS DOING A GIG IN PERTH WAS ALSO A FINE COMEDIAN. I GOT NO RESPONSE AND JUDITH AND ME WENT ALONG TO BILL BAILEYS GIG ANYWAY.
NOW I KNOW WHERE THEY GET THEIR MATERIAL.
I WAS SHOCKED TO FIND THAT HE HAD COMPOSED A LITTLE OBLIQUE REFERENCE TO MY CHANCING REQUEST INTO HIS SOLILOQUOY WITH MENTION OF THE DUNDEE AREA BOASTING A FRUIT BASED ECONOMY (IT WAS FUNNY THE WAY HE SAID IT(APPARENTLY)) AND SOMETHING ELSE AND FOR A MINUTE I FROZE AT THE PROSPECT THAT I WAS ABOUT TO BE EXPOSED AND HUMILIATED IN A CROWDED ROOM. AS IT WAS HE DROPPED THE TOPIC WITH A DANGEROUS SOUNDING "YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE." I FELT AS IF I WAS GLOWING IN THE DARK.. THIS, I HAD THOUGHT, A MAN WITH WHOM I WOULD ENJOY HAVING A DRINK WITH IN A BAR. MAYBE NOT.
SO SORRY TO ANYONE I MAY HAVE OFFENDED WITH THIS SOMETIMES CAUSTIC BLOG APART FROM MY ENEMIES IN WHICH CASE GET STUFFED.

MICHAEL MARRA IS ONE OF MY FAVOURITE SINGERS AND WE ARE VERY LUCKY THAT HE IS COMING OUT TO THE WINERY TO PERFORM FOR US. WITH HIS TRADEMARK DEEP CROAKY TONES, HE SINGS, IN THE DUNDEE PATOIS, SELF PENNED SONGS FULL OF WIT AND POIGNANCY WHICH I'M SURE IS A WORD HE WOULD NEVER SAY AS IT IS THE SOUND MADE BY AN OVERWEIGHT MAN WITH A HAIRY CHEST AND BRACES FALLING ON TO A AN OLD SPRUNG BED BASE AND GETTING TANGLED UP DOWN THERE WHILST BOUNCING BRIEFLY, AS EVERY ONE KNOWS. I WOULD JUST LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO APOLOGIES TO ALL STOUT, BRACES WEARING ,GENTLEMEN EVERYWHERE IF, ACTUALLY, IT WASN'T FUNNY AT ALL.

ALSO REMEMBER THE BOTTLE SMASH COMPETITION COMING UP ON 31ST OF MAY

M8

I don't like getting called mate and particularly m8, there's no need,if you're in a hurry don't write it at all because I don't like it anyway. I'm sorry Andy if you read this but you might as well know. You even know my name and we are mates anyway and if we're not then shut up. I'll let you off since you spent some time in England.
It's big in Australia and there was one guy in particular in Queensland who had it bad, 'Yis mite' this and 'Yis mite' that. There was never a 'Yis' without a 'Mite'. More of a tick, (like it, like it)
The obnoxious DJ, Peter Powell started calling callers it on the radio in the eighties because he could never remember anyone's name. He called everyone mate and now everyone's mating left right and centre, one big happy family of mateyness. On the face off it,it seems harmless enough, what grumpy old git could object to an assumption of friendship suggesting fighting it out back to back in the trenches of Passandale in another time. Well it could mean that, depends how it's said, it could be menacing, it could mean a lot worse .
We don't know what the tone was by e-mail. Use names by e-mail, that's friendly, o.k. 'Min' ,(Perthshire) 'Pal,' pronounced paul, (Fife) 'Son' (Lanarkshire?) used to be 'Jimmy' but probably 'Big Man' now (Glasgow) and my favourite, 'Chief' (Dundee) If you disagree with the regionalities of any of these casual appellations or have any of your own, I'd love to hear them. Send them to the guest page.
We'll probably have the 'Berry Up' out again soon, it's a popular one. I'll need to go and taste that 'Mutiny', see how that's coming along.

We laugh at recession

This being the 250th anniversary of the birth of Rabbie Burns raises the opportunity for some shameless exploitation. I am a fan of the poet myself, of course. Mr Burns's words were usually well selected and arranged and his timing impeccable, particularly the timing of his annual supper, a lifeboat to swim to after sister ships Christmas and New Year have sunk beneath the waves. In response to rumours of economic rapids ahead, maintaining the watery metaphor, although shifting the ships above the turbulence, whereas they would normally be found below. Lake Chad comes to mind, we've come up with this new commemorative wine. A Burns supper is a uniquely scottish meal and many jupiters ago I spotted a gap on the table near me and another one near you needing filled wi a bottle of Cairn O Mohr but one that would need to be particularly designed to flatter a Haggis
Much research has gone into this centuries old problem, much of it in my own hoose and a subtle approach was required to snare the beast. In the end we took a Bramble and with carefull blending turned down the treble and upped the bass a bit. That did it. We're just calling it 'Gings wi Haggis.' (we laugh at recession for the imposter it is, ha ha !) I wrote this little poem.

Monies a Burns nicht has seen me scunnert
Quaffin boattles by the hunnert
One big problem returned tae nag us
There's no a Cairn o Mohr that gings wi Haggis

The Bramble seemed tae hae an affinity
No right there but in the vicinty
They foucht a bit wi me in the middle
Jerkin like a Shetland fiddle

I had a feelin in ma jeans
That wi a tweak they could be freends
We folded in some Oak Leaf wine
Which broucht the twa tae gither fine

So raise a glass of Cairn O Mohr
We've nivver made this one afore

A the fuss aboot the bard, writin poetry's no that hard.


Gangs Wi Haggis is available online. There's a couple o deals as well

Interestingly enough

I dreamt this morning that a driverless tractor and bogie had rolled away backwards, picked up speed and then separated, the tractor slewed off and buried itself into a pile of 3/4 inch gravel while the bogie careered on. I buried my head in my sleeping hands as it cannoned towards a 500 gallon fibre glass tank of wine. When I looked again the track had taken it around and guided it down the brae towards the busy road. I jumped onto my unicycle in hot pursuit.
A reel of pictures came through the air, the other day, and into one of our computers, they were of an event at Fyvie Castle and it was Prince Charlesiziz sixtieth birthday celebration in Scotland and what was on his table? What was on all the tables? (fanfare please) Cairn o Mohr Elderberry and Oak Leaf. he could have had any wine in the world. There was one picture of him drinking it but that mysteriously disappeared on later looking. Scotland's folk singing aristocracy were there to entertain him, Ali Bain, Phil Cunningham etal. You've got to say it for that Prince, he's patriotic. What political transformations I've had to go through in my life, -right wing extremist, communist, anarchist, Buddhist brieflhy, greenist, nationalist, pilchardist, liberal- republican, alcoholist, anarchist -royalist. At the farmers market meeting we discussed booking the Prince to visit for our tenth year celebration but our republican founder wouldn't have it. I was up, one foot on the table, singing 'God save the King.' Shameless.
It's treason to use the royal family for advertising, seemingly, so look out for a quarter piece of me on a hook near you afore lang.

Pestered into picking apples this year. We gathered in four tons from folk's gardens. Best way is laying out covers on the ground, a long hooked stick to shake them down and a hard hat. So we had this great variety of varieties and put them all through the mill and pressed them. The first juice we bottled and pasteurised and called it Carse O Gowrie apple juice. I've got an order for six cases sitting there for... ( fanfare again please) Gleneagles hotel. Some o it we're making into wine/cider, interestingly enough ( a taut couplet, as if things could be more interesting but,- don't be greedy. I got a job lot on brackets, where's the other bit. Here)

Crossed the line?

I'm a firm believer that if you get enough exercise you can probably drink as much as you like. Now some doctory fellow will probably read this and say. "Trow thow misguided mongoose thow lying cuttlefish." I don't know why he's a Shakesperean doctor, you don't see many of them these days, that'll probably start bothering me next week but, there you go as the man said to the kittens before flinging them in to the river in a bag. I just make this stuff up, as the monkey said to the camel. They used to say a lot of that kind of stuff on the farm or another running joke would be "Pass that tool over here." to the chorus of "That's what she said last night" followed by a cossack style "Hey!"
Happy days.
Ah the old days on the farm.Going back then you got plenty exercise at work; mucking out the byre by hand for example. What a blessing when they brought in the fork. Much physical labour at the workplace is now either superseded by technology or illegal these days but I mean you knew that. Nowadays I'm getting into a bit of, like pointless exercise; walking and cycling in particular. Take tomorrow; I'm away on a lengthy cycle run stopping off in Dundee to see the start of a marathon that Cairn O Mohr are sponsoring, I'm not running it, I'd sooner run a marathon har de har har!!.Oh deary me.
People ask me to do all sort of sponsoring, every week there's a new request; somebody wanting help to open this or launch that. I launch a turd down the pan the other day but I didn't go phoning around local businesses for support. Sorry about that I hope you weren't eating Rice Krispies.
"Think of the exposure." They say
People die of exposure.
Here's the elderberries in.

I didnt like it

I used to work picking berries in the berry fields when I was a kid, many young folk of my generation did. I was mostly a raspberry man myself, at Ballindean in the Sidlaws I did strawberries occasionally but I didn't like it. Ballindean was great, steep dreels running up and down the hill, always hot, oh yes. Linteys, redpolls.
I remember once this other kid (other than me) saying, "hey what kind of jeans are these you've got on?" I'm thinking what are you talking about, I thought just jeans was good enough. Anyway he had Levis and when I looked at them they did look quite cool, a rich blue faded at the knee,and that was original cool before cool became uncool and then became hot again. Latterly I wore Levis for quite a long time and then at some stage, post psychadelia, went to Wrangler, then for some reason (cheapness) to lee; I'm not awarding you a capital L, lee.although perfectly servicable pair of strides you were, for a long time protecting my legs from the strafing of the shrill North Easterly and the hairs from unflattering wind ruffle. I used to get them from Burton's, boot cut.
Much later I decided , quite without encouragement, that Levis were Rangers and Wranglers, Celtic, lee would be partick thistle. The reason I'm asking is because I've just noticed my oldest boy, 16 is wearing Levis and the 14 year old Wranglers. That's enough of that.
The lights just went out there, could be mice, memo must get a qualified electrician to raise that switch tomorrow.
What is a memo anyway is it like a wee note? Have you noticed "operational", this must be buzzword of the day or operational buzzword du jour, just so as not to repeat myself even partially. How did we manage before without using it much. It has an important ring about it with maybe a hint of danger.
Your voice would need to drop a bit, it certainly wouldn't go up, oh deary me no. Just imagine that, a shrill "He's on operational duties right now" You see? It's probably migrated from the military into the council via the police force and heading for a private sector near you soon and when everyone's finished with it the clergy will start using it.
What else,no that's it.If you've got a word that you've noticed send it in to the guestbook and we can examine it together.